King Heavy-King Heavy

Oh boy. We’ve got some interesting stuff today, folks. First thing that caught me when I was forwarded this release for review was the name – King Heavy. They’re a Chilean band, so I didn’t want to judge them based on their name – they might not even speak english, for all I know. Still, I couldn’t help but furrow my brow a bit. King Heavy? What, was “Evil Dude” or “Mr. Heavy Metal” already taken? Some scouring of the interwebs led me to some information, and after reading up on them I found out that they are an “epic doom/heavy metal” band, a particular sub-sub-genre that I never really cared too much for. Nevertheless, I resolved to remain unbiased and sat down to give the album a listen.

Well, I can’t say I wasn’t expecting what I heard, but I’ll try and elaborate on the album piece by piece . King Heavy’s self titled album was exactly what I was expecting, and that was mid-paced, milquetoast, play-it-safe, swords-and-sorcery LARP-worthy doom sprinkled with a dash of NWOBHM, all topped off with a clear and sterile production, a bit like vacuum sealing a turd in a ziploc bag.

I admit that I am hard to please when it comes to this particular face of doom. Sure, I adore

Sludge, Funeral Doom, Death Doom, Stoner Doom, yadda yadda, but this lighter and more fantastic side of the genre doesn’t usually pique my interest. Still, as far as this genre goes, a simple step in the direction of diversity would be enough to impress me. King Heavy doesn’t do that at all. For 47 minutes you are barraged with medium-to-slow paced kind-of-downtuned-but-not-too-downtuned riffs that batter you without rhyme or reason, with dry double bass drumming, plodding bass, and mock Messiah Marcolin “epic” vocals. And it spends these 47 minutes doing absolutely nothing substantial. Meandering back and forth between tempos, sometimes leading you to a quiet section, or a “fast for doom” section, or an “epic” section, but ultimately leading you on a scavenger hunt for some kind of relief or retribution. Well, I sat through it, and there is none. There is no pot of gold at the end of the epic doom rainbow. Just 47 wasted minutes and a blank state of mind where you’re left wondering what the hell you’ve been listening too.

I don’t want to bury anybody too badly, and I know the point of a review isn’t to shit on a band, but I have to stress to you that I genuinely feel cheated by this album. The vocals aren’t nearly as impressive as they would need to be for them to be thrust so boldly at you. They’re not horrible, but they get on your nerves, and later in the album you’ll find yourself hating the warbling faux-menacing cries that are coming out of your speakers. The instruments are all clear in the mix but sound gutless and polished, the guitars punch aimlessly and never really lock into any tangible groove, the bass sometimes deviates from the norm and is audible, but not enough to stand out too much, and the drums are just adequate at best. It’s not that King Heavy are incompetant at their instruments, it’s just that they don’st seem to use their ability to play to craft anything meaningful.

Once the façade of “mystical and majestic impending doom and swords and metal and evil and HEAVYNESS!”fades away, King Heavy really has nothing to offer anybody except for perhaps the die-hard epic doom fan who doesn’t mind shameless pandering, insincere posturing, and aimless cliches. It’s not that their music is inherently offensive, but it’s terribly bland and terribly average. Me? I’ll pass. If I want some dude in a robe menacingly crooning at me, I’ll take Candlemass over King Heavy anyday, and I don’t even like Candlemass. You’ve been beeeewiiiiiitttchheeedd!!!

SCORE: 2/10 FAVORITE TRACKS: Ehhh…they all seem to run together on this one.

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